#31 Who is Right? Our Brain's Default of Making Rules

I had an interesting conversation the other day... with myself! 😂

Do you ever do that? Think something and then argue with yourself about it?

The other day, I was listening to an interesting conversation that was shared on our new private Facebook group between two accomplished horsewomen. One of them said something that challenged something I hold true and I found myself instantly braced and not wanting to hear the rest of what she had to say- even though most of what she'd shared up to that point, I agreed with... 

This is when the internal conversation with myself started...

I will often have emotions arise or reactions to things that don't represent who I'm striving to be. Being judgmental of or irritated with someone else are 2 that come to mind. These are not things I want to get better at- meaning I don't want to practice being judgmental and irritated- so I know that I can try again and take a different perspective to get my mind and attitude where I'd like it to be. To put energy into the things I want to keep getting better at- curiosity and celebrating others. 

When I was watching the video and heard the statement that didn't jive with what I believe, I found myself thinking, "she's wrong" and then my brain started judging... my stomach got tight...

All red flags that my thoughts and values weren't lining up.

So, I took some deep breaths and thought to myself- how do I want to be in this situation? I want to stay curious and listen and be able to disagree without all the judgement. Then it came to me... 2 powerful little word combinations: "for me" and "for her". I had been thinking, "that's not true", "that's not right". I realized that if I added "for me" it changed everything. "That's not true for me". Leaves the door open for curiosity and learning. 

The need to be right or have a handle on the truth is a deep seated one for us as humans. The survival part of our brain requires that we know what's right and wrong when it comes to things that might kill us- don't eat the red ones! But when it comes to things that are much more complex, like horsemanship, searching for what's "right" and "wrong" is so subjective AND can really block our ability to take in new information. 

Now... there are things that are right and wrong when it comes to horses- but I think these would be things we'd all agree on. Torture = wrong.  Providing food and water = right.

But when you get into the details- what kind of feed, tools, training strategies... then it is much more individual and it becomes a search for what is right for us and our horses. This reminds me of a conversation I had last spring with Charley Snell about making rules. How making rules can cause us to lose flexibility and keep us from learning new things. 

So... for now, when I find myself getting judgmental and bracing to what someone else is saying- I'm going to play with adding the phrases "for me" or "for them" and getting back to a place of curiosity. 

It reminds me of the old Cherokee story of The Tale of Two Wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, my son "The battle is between two wolves, inside us all."

One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, inferiority, lies, false-pride, superiority, ego.

One is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, forgiveness, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "the one you feed."